The other day I wrote these three drabbles which I may or may not ever post anywhere else, but they basically serve as a prequel to whatever this thing under the cut is. And they're...milder. Safer?
Dear, sweet Avengers,
What the fucking fuck? I debase myself to beg for your consideration, bare my mutated soul to you, and you call it a childish prank? Let’s get a few x-factoids squared away here:
1.) I’m fucking immortal! Picture this scenario: “Oh no, we sent Deadpool on a mission and the poor thing died!” Okay? Trick scenario! It would never fucking happen!
2.) The values of your team apparently don’t line up with murdering the shit out of cocksuckers who completely deserve it. That’s touching, and I like touching (a lot). But we all know superhero teams need a diverse set of powers, right? One guy flies, one’s got brainwave violation mojo or some shit, one’s a chick? The Avengers are lacking a psycho killer and I am stepping the fuck up to fill the gap!
3.) I know you’re thinking I don’t belong with you. Yours is a world of sleek chrome finish and guaranteed blockbusters, and mine is...Fox. But my friends, glad tidings: I found a way around that. Copyright has no meaning here! You can recruit members from fucking Dark Horse if you want!
4.) Is Natasha seeing anyone? This isn’t part of my argument; I’m just curious. Widows shouldn’t have to grieve forever.
5.) What about Steve? Yum.
Of course you can track me, dipshits. If I wanted to keep my identity secret from a superhero team, the first thing I wouldn’t do is send them my fucking CV. Snail mail me a real application and you can have my SSN, too!
To that end, here are some more pictures of me: Mask off! Suit off! Duckface selfie! Print them out, put them on your fridge, make sure to laminate first if you’re using them for anything more personal. Think you can pick this guy out of a fucking lineup? Ooh, what if it was a lineup of man-sized naked mole-rats? What about that?
Please keep my resume on file, and contact me if any career opportunities within your organization should arise in the future.