Avox in Arcadia (perpetual) wrote,
Avox in Arcadia
perpetual

Why can't I write like I'm running out of time?

I keep opening new entry windows to post something, then closing them still empty when I can't think of what I wanted to post.

September is going by so fast; I've had my mind on my lists of 2016 resolutions, especially the creative ones, knowing how the end of the year just keeps picking up speed until it's gone. I know there are a lot of things I'm not going to accomplish, and I'd like to say I'm fine with that since there are other things I did do, but I can't stop dwelling on the particular forms of creation I've neglected. Original fiction, why is that so hard? And am I really going to spend an entire year without unscrewing a tube of paint?

And I always resort to blaming it on a lack of time, but I know that an hour on the couch staring at my phone doesn't count as busy, even if I'm tired. I think there's even something beyond discipline that I'm missing, some better way of thinking about life.

After my last couple of fanfiction posts I realized that I need to stop caring about recognition so much. Yeah, every fanfic writer jokes about the burning need for reviews, but I've been obsessively counting kudos and wondering why Story X by Author Y has more comments than mine, and it isn't good for me. The thing is, I know that on sites like Ao3 and the Pit there's very little real correlation between a fanfic's popularity and its quality. I know that for a het shipper who writes primarily non-explicit stories in fandoms past their prime, I don't do too badly with reviews. I don't have any good reason to prioritize the accolades over the actual writing, and I think the fact that I am anyway may be a sign that I need to get away from fanfiction altogether.

Scary thought. I'd feel lost, and I hate the idea of disappointing anyone who does enjoy my stuff and is waiting for more. Not making any decisions yet, just thinking on the page.

It doesn't help that this week at work has been so stressful, and my nearest and dearest are starting to ask what's wrong with me. (Nothing. I am sometimes a grump.) The beginning of a vicious circle is when you indulge yourself because gosh darn it, you deserve it after all that stress, and the consequences of indulging yourself that one time get added to the sources that made you stressed in the first place. The ending of a vicious circle is never, because it's a freaking circle.

Okay, this ended up more personal than it was meant to be, but I'm going to leave it as is and unlocked because I don't want it mistaken for a cry for help. Plus, I'm always interested in talking about writing, even if I don't know you that well.
Tags: writing
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