Twenty years ago (and I'm crying because I'm so old), I went to the movies and saw Independence Day starring Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith. It was awesome. It was mindless fun. There were lots of explosions, and the POTUS gave an immortal speech about how we're going to defeat all the aliens because we're Americans dammit and for the sake of morale so is everyone else. For some reason, I got the novelization for Christmas that year (one of two such movie books I can recall reading in my life; the other was Ferngully), and it wasn't half bad.
I loved Independence Day. I couldn't wait to see it again. I'm not sure why I never did, except that the last twenty years (so old) have gradually replaced my eagerness to watch movies with the ready availability of the movies I used to want to watch.
Anyway, I figured that all ended up working out pretty well, because I could hang onto that lovely memory of an action movie that may or may not have actually merited my enjoyment of it when I stepped into the theater twenty years (old and brittle, weeping for the past) later to watch Independence Day: Resurgence. I can't remember what day of the year it was the first time, but today is July 3rd, which is darn close to the day itself so that's pretty cool, right?
Please take heed. Learn from my mistakes. I care about you.
INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE IS A PIECE OF CRAP. The same president was back, but he didn't even make me feel patriotic! There's a new president and she makes you want to slap her! Chris Hemsworth's little bro is in it and I feel so so bad that his career has taken this turn. Someone saves a dog, but it's a stupid little dog! There isn't even a national monument blown up to pay tribute to the iconic White House scene! There is a hive queen alien the size of a neighborhood block who prances through the desert chasing a school bus like a giant spider-pony.
That last one wasn't actually a complaint, but just trust me, this movie is really bad. You know how sometimes you go to a cheesy blockbuster movie expecting it to be so bad it's good, and then it's just really bad and you feel all sour and cheated afterward?
....Surprise. This wasn't that. I feel great. I watched a stupid alien movie and I feel great.
Happy Independence Day, everyone!